What's Worse Than A Creationist Zoo? A Christian Creationist Zoo!

Vanessa Penhall, a local member of the Secularist Society (SS), has called for the shutting down of a local zoo after it was revealed that it contains creationist material which could be accessed by children.

She said "Not only is it a creationist zoo, it’s a Christian one so children from other faiths or none are effectively being told their beliefs – or lack of them – are wrong."

When asked why it's not acceptable for Christians to say that someone's beliefs are wrong but it is Ok for her, Jews, Muslims or pretty much anyone else who isn't a Christian, she said; "there is no other social group in the world that tells people that they are wrong, only Christians. They say that if you don't believe what they believe, then your beliefs are wrong. Everybody knows that is wrong".

Although Vanessa insists that teachers are unaware of the creationist propaganda being pushed into the children's minds, a zee representative said "Noah’s Ark Zoo Farm has frequently maintained and communicated the content of our education programme and the limits of religious content in our zoo.

There are some research pages on our website and some displays at the zoo which explore the different theories of how the world came about the different arguments of evolution and creation. This is a small section of the zoo for adults to read and view if they wish.

This religious element to the zoo is simply not forced on or taught to children. Noah’s Ark Zoo Farm hosts thousands of school trips and visitors from Wales every year who all have a great time visiting our attraction"

Vanessa insists that although it is clear that there is some creationist content, the declaration is not made in the right tone of voice. She said "When they say that there is some creationist material, freedom of thought and expression demands that the words are written in a 'dripping blood' font with the theme from Beetlejuice in the background".

When asked if her attack is in any way related to false accusations of animal mistreatment which were designed to close the zoo on unfounded claims (as was found by the area authority), the soughed and called this reporter a nazi.

I'm Budd McKenzie reporting for the Progressive Humanist News.

State 'Recommends' Birthday Lyric Change

Area governor Bart McKaskill has passed a law requiring non-exclusive lyrics whenever 'Happy Birthday' is sung by more two or more people.

Speaking in our studio this morning, McKaskill said "we have been successful in making it socially unacceptable to wish someone a 'Happy Christmas'. This was one of our initiatives driven by the need to include, during the winter months, people of all faiths. It is now normal to say 'Happy Holiday' and 'Christmas' is an offensive thing of the past."

He went on; "after much research, we have concluded that wishing Happy Birthday to a specific person carries the implication that nobody else is celebrating their birthday thus making them feel excluded from the celebrations.

"From now on, anybody singing person-specific lyrics for someone's birthday will be fined a considerable amount and given three anti-citizen points."

Correspondence from the state's Social Justice department has provided us with the new approved birthday song's lyrics;

Happy Birthday to all

Happy Birthday to all

Happy Birthday to all free persons

Happy Birthday to all

Furthermore, Bart McKaskill explained that phrases such as 'Birthday Boy' would also not be permitted since that also is exclusive speech and offends Gender Neutrality, though 'Birthday Girl' is acceptable when the subject of the song has an invoice proving they have bought a sanitary towel within the last three days.

Some say that this is yet further erosion of tradition and freedom of speech while others embrace the State's efforts to be more inclusive of everyone regardless of their name.

This is Budd McKenzie reporting for the Progressive Humanist News

Christians Not Persecuted

An area humanist today slammed a TV documentary for suggesting the Christians are facing worldwide persecution. Larry Dorkin said that losing jobs, having freedom of expression revoked, being banned from public places and facing execution for their faith does not constitute hate crimes against them and they are certainly not being persecuted.

After the break, we report on how a Christian who is of the opinion that sex between people of the same gender is wrong, yet fights for equality and dignity for all people regardless of gender, sexual orientation or faith is branded by an area humanist as 'a persecutor of people and a disgraceful hate criminal'.

Area Humanist Denounces His Atheism

Paedophilia. A problem which is crippling the Catholic church and providing side-splitting hillarity for many atheists, or at least it was for Greg Boson, until he heard that his neighbour had been convicted of such a crime.

Brought up to reject conventional wisdom, Greg was an inventive scientist who utterly rejected all forms of hocus-pocus 'spirituality' and embraced whatever could be proved.

But, one day in February 2010 his neighbour, also a devout secularist humanist, was found guilty of storing illegal and highly questionable material on his hard disk.

Greg was dumbfounded. He and all his 'Godless Weekly' magazines had explained in great detail how all Christians are paedophiles on the grounds that some are. This, therefore, begged the logical conclusion that because his neighbour was an atheist and a paedophile, then he must be also.

He had hoped that his neighbour would have proved to be a closet Christian, but all he found were letters to the BBC asking them to stop broadcasting Songs of Praise on the grounds that it was offensive to his ears. His neighbour was 57 and he hadn't even a clue as to who Thora Herd was!

This was too much. Either he was wrong in thinking that because a small number of Catholic priests had behaved like animals then so had all Christians, or he was being fed a populist view which he too readilly accepted from the media. Either way, he was wrong.

The final straw was when he asked himself "why is paedophilia wrong anyway?". When he couldn't come up with an answer that encompased every culture and national identity, he denounced his atheism and is now looking for a deity to worship.

When asked about Greg Boson, the leader of the area Humanist Revue (Gail Hobbs) said that she didn't know anybody by the name of Boson, or even interested in finding Greg Boson particularly. When asked why his name was on the board of trustees, she said it wasn't and she could only see someone who's name was Dreg Bobson.

This Angela Crabb reporting for the Progressive Humanist News.

"French Not a Valid Language" says Area Humanist

An area humanist today declared that French is not a valid language. Prof. Richard Wakefield said that since it did not match the language that he spoke and that it even dared to 'move the order of words around a lot' so that it didn't make any sense, it stood to reason that the language probably was made up.

He said "saying that French is a language is all went and good, but I can't understand it and it makes no sense to the work I've spent my life doing speaking English. I could just as easily say 'wobble-dick-dawck' and announce that as the basis for a new language called Spagbogolesr, but is it really a language?"

When asked about the many millions of people who already speak French, he said "these are woolly minded sheep who are playing with things they don't understand. Just because they say they speak French on a daily basis, that doesn't suddenly make it sound like English. I have no time for them".

This is Budd McKenzie reporting for the Progressive Humanist News.

Hillarious Cartoon Wins Humanist Cartoon Compo

An area artist had just won a cartoon competition hosted by internationally renowned humanist, Prof. Holland Hawker.

"there was a broad spectrum of talent, ranging from the inspired through to the childish". We assume that by 'childish' he is referring to those entries depicting himself as a balloon about to be popped by 'the small prick of truth'. He said, "such childish efforts won't convert me and simply show how infantile all believers are".

Another cartoon, dismissed as 'pathetic', portrayed him as a blinkered horse eating genetically modified hay which was slowly turning him into a communist dictator; "just because communists are atheists, it doesn't mean that all atheists are communists".

The first prize went to a cartoon poking fun at the recent scandal surrounding Catholic priests and paedophile crimes problem that is causing so many headlines around the world. "This cartoon" said Prof. Holland "is hillarious and I couldn't stop crying with laughter. This proves that all believers are paedophiles and let's face it, that IS funny".

The second prize went to a picture of a Bible in the shape of a balloon about to be popped by the 'small prick of truth'. Prof. Holland said this was "original, witty and a work of pure genius".

Being Shocked Is a Fact of Life

An area humanist today decried the protests by local believers offended by the title of his latest book "Jesus Watches Star Trek".

When questioned about the book, Arnold Darklight said that "nobody has the right to live without being shocked" and told the photo-sensitive believers to suck it up before going on to explain that this is what freedom of speech means.

Later, in a breakout session, he carried further the discussion by saying he couldn't believe that people could hold such crazy opinions and put forward arguments for shutting such people out of the media and discouraging, through all possible means, the reading of religious materials such as The Bible or anything by C. S. Lewis.

Darklight refused to comment on any other religions, stating that he has researched them thoroughly and prefers to write about religions he has managed to avoid.

This is Penny Dollar reporting for the Progressive Humanist News.

Free Thinking Campaign Begins

An area 'Free Thinker' today launched a publicity campaign to expose the restricted thinking of Christians. In his material, called 'Free Your Mind', Prof. Rhidian Hooph argues that Christians have long been willing to allow themselves to 'offload their thinking' to a book or a clergyman and that they should come to their own conclusions.

We managed to find some believers in the area's shopping center this afternoon who felt that he had missed the point and that they felt free enough to conclude by themselves that their Bible is true and that their experiences back up that belief.

After playing these interviews to Prof. Hooph, he said that what they describe as experience needs to be looked at again, by them, in the light of received wisdom so that they can come to the correct conclusions in the same way as other 'Free Thinkers' who happen to share the same opinions as him.

This is Helen Pot reporting for the Progressive Humanist News.

Star Wars is Evil?

An area humanist has today condemned the Star Wars prequels for being 'conspiratorial against the efforts of secular humanism to quash religion in the name of freedom'.

Speaking from his home via telephone, Paul Reeming said that George Lucas has irresponsibly exposed the way secular humanism is trying to control the masses by removing society's 'spiritual foundation' in the name of freedom before imposing a governance more draconian than anything seen even in the Spanish Inquisition.

He went on to say that portraying the Jedi as the good-guys will make people realise how they are being manipulated as they watch the Jedi being systematically killed to make room for 'The New Order'.

Nobody bothered asking Richard Dawkins for comment since we all know what he would say.

This is Barney-Bruce Child reporting for the Progressive Humanist News.

The Next Evolutionary Step

You may remember a few years ago, we reported on Allen, a baby born to the next step of human evolution; born as a higher consciousness, Allen has shown us where our race will end up.

For a long time, scientists have taught that mutation through evolution brought about tiny progressive changes which eventually led to the existence of us, humans (which means that at some point in history, a creature predominantly ape gave birth to a creature predominantly human). However, there was only speculation as to how the next stage, the move from bodies to pure thought, would take place. Allen showed us.

However, following up on Allen and how he is doing, we find a life of misery and frustration;

"I'm unable to work" he said "since I can't operate any machinery. You'd think I could work in the sciences, maybe biology? But because I can't be detected on the spectrum of visible and invisible light, scientists won't believe I exist".

So how does Allen support himself?

"Not very well" he told us, "I can't claim benefits because I don't have any arms to fill in the forms. I can't register as disabled because I'm fully mobile. My only saving grace is that not having a physical body, I don't have to eat or pee".

On being asked how he would describe his life in one word, he said "boring".

New Bus Campaign Launched

Tens of thousands of pounds have been spent on a wonderful new campaign to appear on area busses over the next few months;

How Could a Loving God Allow this Financial Crisis?

An angry area humanist today stated that a loving god should not allow the current financial crisis and said that he would only believe in a god if a god were to give enough billions of dollars to the banks and crooked financial dealers so that they could start paying their staff the minimum wage again.

Church Of England Condemned For Prayers For Unemployed

Professor Thomas Johns has further enraged local theists by condemning the Church of England in praying for the unemployed.

He said that the prayers were insulting the unemployed by describing them as worried and confused and suggested that a better solution would be to increase state benefits and lower the price of Cable TV.

We asked a local unemployed man what he thought of the prayers but he said he was too worried about his rent and confused as to what he could now do about his situation.

Atteists Seek To Ban Prayer

An area atheist has announced a campaign to ban prayer, claiming that it is of no benefit and the net gain of prayer on a national level is negative.

Instead of prayer, he suggested that people should support his adopted goals;

• Decriminalize drugs to reduce drug addiction
• Reduce teen pregnancy by increasing the freedom of the media to portray sex among youngsters
• Reduce knife crime by increasing the freedom of the media to portray violence as manly, exciting, truly exciting
• Promote peace by extending the freedom of people to do whatever they want, as long as it's approved

Thomas Johns further went on to explain that the growing influence of secularist humanism is the reason why people are feeling safer in their homes, on the streets and on their bank's websites.

Godless Busses Just The Start of Progress

An area humanist today encouraged the use of anti-hate slogans on busses to combat the evil of religion which is being plastered across are public transportation, offering false hope of things to come and feelings of meaning, love and purpose.

In an interview, advocate and enthusiast of the idea, Kelly deBoolle said "when people have waited in rain and cold for a bus that's ten minutes late, we need to remind them that there's worse to come, that there's no god and therefore, no given purpose. People need to realise what faiures they are." She went on to say "realising that they're just the result of a meaningless accident and that there is no spooky daddy-in-the-sky will help them accept the drudge of waiting for a bus that'll stink of piss and probably have a teenager on board ready to steal their mobile phone".

She finished saying "if you get to thinking that you're a child of any god, you're going to start thinking that you're someone important and that you matter, and we don't want that."

The Rev. Albert McTavish has written a yet-to-be-published article asking why these neo-atheists need to tread down further the masses by showing them how much brighter and cleverer they are than everybody else with their smug little 'if it can't be measured, it probably doesn't exist'. In response, Freddie Opworthy of the area humanist association said "only a stupid person would say that."

More news as it arrives.

Area Humnist Condemns Anyone Called Phil

An area humanist was so distraught today by the brutal attack by Phil Drake on a young puppy that he has branded all men called Phil as puppy killers and called for a cull on Phils.

He said "is it a coincidence that this man is called Phil and that he killed a puppy? Beware! All of you! There may be a Phil in your street, village or town. If one Phil can do this to one puppy, imagine was ten, a hundred, a thousand or even a hundred thousand Phils could do to even more puppies".

In other news; Philadelphia has delcared itself the 'Puppy Loving City' where puppies are as safe as houses.

Intelligent Design Proved Wrong

An area scientist has today proved wrong the Intelligent Design (ID) lobbyists by creating life out of thin air in a laboratory.

"What has been done here" said Dr. Miriam Davy, a highly qualified and well respected researcher in the field, "is show that intelligence is not necessary in order to create life. Within our scientific laboratory, with sophisticated equipment and lots of test tubes with bubbling green fluids that could put hair on your chest, we've managed to show that life can exist anywhere.... as long as it has an ample supply of test tubes, bubbly green stuff and intelligent people in white coats."

Dr. Davy is now due to release a book explaining how the test tubes, bubbly green fluid and white coats evolved out of air in order to create the life that didn't need intelligence in order for it to be created (except for maybe a nudge or two from an intelligent scientist who designed the lab, but refused to confirm that the lab was designed intelligently).

Area Humanist Slams Faith As Stupid

An area humanist today slammed faith as a stupid crutch for people who can't think for themselves. Dr. David Rawkin said that most people don't even consider the science behind what they believe and unless they understand the science, they shouldn't believe it. He further went on to enforce his point that since there is no reasonable science behind faith, there is nothing to believe.

When asked how many people understood the intricacies of scientific 'facts' such as the chemical reactions that would have had to take place in a rock in order to spark life or the nature of time and space before the Big Bang, he said "well, that's what we scientists are here for. As long as the people believe us, they'll be just fine".

'Daddy Doesn't Exist' Declares Sobbing 6yr Old Humanist

A distraught 6 year old Secularist Humanist today concluded that her father doesn't exist after hurting her knee falling because Tommy (her brother) pushed her while arguing over sweets in the back yard.

Explaining, between sobs, young Freda Halliwell said; "If Daddy was real and he loved me, he wouldn't have let me go out to play in the back yard or he would have made me share my sweets with Tommy who didn't have any sweets.

"He's always told me to share my sweets with Tommy but that seemed such a restrictive lifestyle choice, but if he really loved me, he would have forced me to share my sweets and then I wouldn't have been pushed and had this nasty cut on my leg".

She finished by saying "If Daddy really was a loving Daddy, he would have forced me to share. He didn't, therefore he doesn't exist".

Tommy and friends of the family are equally dismissive of the existence of Freda and Tommy's father saying that if he was a real, loving Daddy, he would have made sure that Tommy had sweets of his own if he wasn't going to force Freda to share.

Freda is expected to require a sticky plaster on her knee for at least one and a half weeks after which time she's expected to sue Mother Nature for giving her knees that can bleed.

Area Humanist Slams Religious Quoting

An area humanist today slammed religious people for not achieving independent thought but rather, allowing other people to do their thinking for them.

Writing in her weekly Atheism Now! column, Katherine Belle said "A philosopher once said 'religion is the thought for the thoughtless' and this is where we are today. Just as the French thinker Je Ne Pas Pas said 'use text when you can't think of something to think' and that's what they do. Mary Stiller famously said 'ask a Christian what they think and all they'll do is quote, quote and quote'. I hate the way these religious people just 'pull out a quote to prove they're right' (as Paul McBoon wrote in his influential book 'The Book For Readers').

"Whatever they think, it's always come from someone else. Ricardo Tindicko was right when he said 'they can't think, they can't reason; They can only quote and sing' and I agree. You'll never catch me quoting people in order to back up my opinions."

Humanists Accuse Religious Followers Of Unworthy Motives

An article in the local Tribune this weekend has Mr. Treacle Jeremiah accusing people of faith (and Christians in particular) of being 'loveless bigots, devoid of compassion who are compelled to care out of fear and moral cowardice."

In a telephone conversation today, he elaborated that Christians don't care for the needy because they love the needy. On the contrary, they care for the needy for fear that God will hit them with a big bolt of lightning if they don't. Humanists, on the other hand, suffer from no such handicap since they don't believe in a god, therefore their motivation is purer.

When asked what their motivation was, Treacle said "well, it's kind of obvious; we help the needy to show that Christians don't have a monopoly on needy-helping, therefore increasing our market share in the compassion space."

Religion, the Cause of 21st Century Disease, Screwing with Evolution

An area atheist and representative of the Progressive Free-Thinking Scientific Community (PFTSC) has claimed that were it not for religion, diseases would be all but eradicated by now.

Dickie Dortwaite said that not only are religious bigots not believing in Evolution, but they also "screw it up" by caring for, loving and looking after the diseased, the needy and the thick; "If religious do-gooders could have fund it in themselves to not screw it [evolution] up, then evolution would have ensured that defective genes would have been wiped out centuries ago. As it is, stupid people have been allowed to breed and diseases have survived the natural evolutionary process.

"because of these idiots who are not so much looking after the needy but rather, ensuring the survival of unwanted genes, we are likely to see all sorts of wonky people well into the 2150s."

When asked what he felt we should do about those vulnerable people in our society, he said "I'm sure we could find an island for them somewhere and let's see if nature finds a way to keep them going."

We contacted the local area Humanist Party for a response and they said "if you have a disabled child, look at his disability and remind yourself that were it not for Christians preserving faulty genes, he wouldn't be suffering right now."

Area Humanists Found On Religious Education Board

In an effort to broaden the spectrum of Religious Education, two area Humanists have been welcomed onto the board which steers Religious Education. Some might feel that having two people on a board which they have vowed to destroy may seem ludicrous, but the area Humanist association has promised that it will not abuse this position and welcomes any person of any faith to apply to join its board.

The Humanists involved are also members of The Humanist Party who also hold a non-discriminatory policy, as long as members don't think that believing in god is Ok. They encourage open debate (as long as the debate is about how much god doesn't exist), and free thinking (as long as its not thinking that believing in god is Ok).

In the coming months, moves are being made to welcome two alco-pop addicted hoodies onto an ASBO policy board, three members of the KKK onto a board to promote multi-racial co-operation and three members of the Nazi party on how to bring peace between Israel and her neighbours.

"We believe that this is the way to peace and harmony" said Darren von Dutsk as he was setting fire to a Star of David, "and we will bring Humanist Party liberation to every living, breathing person on the planet..... Whether they want it or not".

Area Humanist's Cosnciousness Accidentally Released Onto Internets

An area humanist this week admitted that the 2Gb USB Memory Key onto which he'd backed up his entire consciousness as an executable DOS file has by now been made available on BitTorrent sites and is being installed around the world.

The man in question, David Roberts, said "I admit, I was careless and I regret making the mistake. Now, my concern is that every time a Command Prompt window is closed after running this file, another Me dies. I would appeal to everyone out there on internets, please, if you open the application, don't close it."

A civil memorial service will be held in the local town hall for the estimated half a million David Robertses that have already been killed by a mouse click.

Humanist Association Accept full Responsibility for Oppressive Communist Regimes

An area humanist association has accepted full responsibility for all oppressive acts carried out by communist regimes throughout the ages.

Brenda Frith said "I realised that by blaming modern Christians for the Spanish Inquisition, witch burning and the Crusades, we were leaving ourselves open to criticism. So, in order to address this, we are today saying sorry for communism and the torture carried out against political rivals of communist regimes. We are all to blame".

In a show of good will, the area Humanist Association has welcomed the local Southern Baptist church to set up a radio transmitter on its roof to broadcast unfounded accusations against "whoever they bloody well like".

Area Humanist Favours Old Testament Over New

An area Humanist has said that if he had his way, nobody would be allowed to include the New Testament when commenting on the xtian (read Christian) religion.

Tom Blankley explained "When xtians talk of peace, we love to refer them to the Old Testament's violence, quoting a verse out of context in order to make our point. However, they keep coming back and talking about a 'new covenant' and explaining the roles of the two testaments. By bringing in the New Testament, they make us look stupid by constantly referring to the Old Testament to point how how bloodthirsty xtians actually are".

He further commented on the need to rename the New Testament to plain simple X saying that since he's taken Christ out of Christmas and out of Christian and replaced it with X, and since all the New Testament is about is X, then everyone else had may as well follow him.

Some other area Humanists have said that removal of the New Testament is essential in order to fully pin the Spanish Inquisition and all of the crusades on modern church goers. so that they can be burned at the stake.

Asked to comment, a local xtian said "Huh?"

Baby Minotaur Means Hope For Millions

A minotaur born to an area Humanist couple is being hailed not only as a great step forward in medical progress but also a hope for millions of people who have diseases.

The youngling who is part human and part bull means that anyone who suffers from a disease can be healed; "not being able to put a bull's head on a human body meant we couldn't find a cure for cancer, diabetes or alzheimer's" said a scientist involved in the project, "now, however, being able to put a bull and a human into one body means that all these diseases can be cured. This is because having a disease and being made into half-a-bull are more alike than you'd think."

The mini-minotaur is currently being cared for by his mother but, once old enough, will be encouraged to fend for himself in a local underground labyrinth, built especially for him.

Area Humanist Says "Don't Abort Before Speech"

An area humanist today pushed the envelope a bit further stating that women's rights are being breached every time a child makes a demand without actually saying what they need; "For the first few years of a child's life, it makes demands of its mother but the mother has no idea what the child wants due to a language barrier. This selfish animal just assumes that it can suck on a nipple without actually asking, and even when it gets it, there's no thanks".

Her proposed solution is to "... extend the abortion window to any time before the child can speak. This way, we are showing respect for the woman".

She also said she expected science to come up with some evidence in the next few years to show that a child isn't a proper human being until it can talk and, until then, it's just a potentially inconvenient animal.

Coming next: Area humanist argues that babies should enter the food market.

Area Humanist So Absorbed by Second Life Denies Existence of Flesh

An area humanist has become so absorbed by the internet phenomenon known as Second Life, that he has come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as flesh.

Interviewed from within Second Life, Anthony Bakker said "many of the people here believe that they are actually beings who are being controlled by a flesh based life form, via a plastic 'keyboard'. Such a belief is ludicrous and so I have formed a society for people like me who are brave enough to say that we don't need any stupid 'flesh' to justify our existence. We will be called Avatarists."

Anthony is proud of his polygons and pixels and is not afraid to say that he does not believe that they were created by some kind of 'programmer'; "We're told that this whole world was created by a 'programmer', a person made of flesh! How crazy is that!? If that is true, why doesn't he show us what he looks like? I tell you this, if this 'programmer' shows me that he (or she) exists, then I will believe that this world was created by an intelligence."

In response to our questions, a Second Life representative told me that he does in fact have an avatar within Second Life and he has allowed people to see him and talk to him. This, clearly, is not enough since nobody recognised him or accepted him for who he claimed to be.

Area Humanist Claims "Religion gives you bad luck"

An area humanist this morning claimed that following a superstitious religion like Christianity, Judaism or Islam will bring you bad luck. He went on to say that practising these primitive beliefs could even result in a rearrangement of their molecular structure so that they resemble an amphibian.

He was unavailable for comment at this time of writing.

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Area Humanists Implode Over Who's Right and Wrong is the Right Right and Wrong

A singularity now exists where there once stood a town hall after a debate among area Humanists who couldn't decide who was right and who was wrong.

Since agreeing that humans don't need a religious dogma to tell them what's right and wrong, they were in a quandary as to who's right and wrong was right.

Bob Long, a Left-Leaning pillar of the community argued that his right was the right right and his wrong was the right wrong. Jennifer Knight, a Right-Leaning member of an area Atheist fraternity argued that Long's right was wrong and her right was right while Long's wrong was wrong and her wrong was right since the right was better positioned to know.

It wasn't until a local communist, Han Wong, joined the argument that the hall began to implode into its own gravitational well. Wong's argument was that Long's wrong and Knight's right were as wrong as Wong's wrong was right. Long's right, according to Wong, was wrong and Knight's wrong, according to Wong was right in as far as the right wrong was wrong for Knight except that Wong's wrong was a wrong that was right to Knight. According to Knight, both Wong and Long were wrong but would be right if their wrong was right just as her right was not wrong. Wong disagreed and Long agreed the Wong was right to say Knight was wrong.

Area police have cordoned off the area until scientists can work out what to do with the new singularity, fearing that it could suck in the entire world.

Animals to Join Humanist Society As Honorary Humans?

A fierce battle broke out at an area Humanist Gathering this week over whether or not animals could become humanists.

Arguing for the case, John Petty said that animals show no religious characteristics and should therefore be allowed to join. However, Beverly Hintt said that since animals are not human, they cannot be humanists. John responded that humanism isn't about being human but an attitude. At this point, Beverley threw her shoes at John before throwing herself at him. Her hands had to be forcibly from his neck as he turned purple.

After much bloodshed, it was decided that animals may join the Humanist societies but only as honorary humans.

Pinky the hamster is likely to be the first ever non-human humanist on record.

Vice Chair Patrick Osbourne decided not to raise his question over what to call alien beings who do not believe in a deity.

"Humanism Not a Religion" Claims Area Humanist

An area Humanist angrily rebuffed accusations that Humanism was 'just another religion' today by saying that "Humanism is not a religion, it's a way of life".

He went on to say that Humanism has none of the trappings of 'worn out superstition' and is 'progressive beyond the boundaries of religious fodma'. His indignant outburst has received support from the leader of his local Humanist association, the District Humanist Overseer, the National Humanist Spokes-human and even the Leader of the Nation of Humans (NoH) in Italy.

He quoted some passages from Richard Dawkins and said "I hope this will be a lesson to you all".

Christian Terrorists Terrorise China

Chinese soldiers are being made to carry crosses after Christian terrorists insist that if they don't they will plant 'Prayer Bombs' in the 2008 Olympics thus causing catastrophic blessings and wellbeing.

An area humanist is calling the EU to force all Christians to carry copies of Richard Dawkins' entire volume of work in specially made rucksacks until the China situation is remedied saying "China should be free to practice its atheistic communism free from the fear of prayer".

Noah 'Not Pink Enough'

The story of Noah and his ark is to be taken from schools and any toys featuring the ark are to include pink animals in an effort to make Noah and his mythical ark 'Pink Friendly'.

It is alleged that the 'Two of each kind of animal, one male and one female" brings disrepute to the gay community makes children think that gay people are very naughty and can't drive boats.

A joint statement by the National Alliance of Abrahamics simply says; "Huh?"

More news as is come in.

Animal Rights Move Against Abrahamic Discrimination Against Pigs

In an unexpected move today, an Animal Rights organisation has filed a suit against 'All Abrahamic Faiths' on the grounds that they discriminate against pigs. Funded by an area Humanist society, they hope to bring to book all those faiths who refuse to eat pigs on the grounds that they are 'unclean'.

"Why should pigs be singled out as unclean?" asks the paper filed this morning "when there are plenty of other animals that like mud, mud, glorious mud. And what about rabbits? They eat their own s**t, but they're not unclean. This isn't fair."

The Jewish, Christian and Islamic communities have responded with "Schmucks!", "Oh no, not another pointless stupid pinko court case" and "We shall not tolerate this intolerance".

Stay tuned for more news as it comes in.

Humanist Defies Company's Christian Principles

An area humanist organisation is rejoicing and thanking the the chances for winning a court case against an organisation which expected 'Christian Values' of its employees. It has long been considered that being forced to love one's enemies and caring for the needy is a breach of human rights.

Moves are now afoot for the abolition of the banning of murder and coveting of neighbours' asses on the grounds that these also force people to live according to old fashioned superstitions.

Area Humanist Campaigns to Ban Sunset and Sunrise

An area humanist today filed a campaign against the use of phrases such as 'sunrise' and 'sunset'.

"Gallileo would be turning in his grave if he knew that we still referred to the sun as revolving around the earth", he said,  "my campaign will ensure that we no longer use archaic words like sunrise and sunset and replace them with sunface and sununface".

Other humanist organisations have expressed their support, saying that superstitious phrases such as these are dangerous to children's vulnerable young minds and that this is yet another proof that religion should be banned.

Take Religion Out of Our Spell Checkers say Area Humanists

A new campaign has been launched by area humanist Andrea Tomkitt today aimed at the big companies like Microsoft and Apple to take out of their spell checkers words like 'Jesus', 'Mohammed' and 'Spirituality'. She also argued that Buddha should be taken out of encyclopaedias since it might encourage vulnerable readers to think that putting on weight is the way to enlightenment.

"Jesus Never Existed" Claim by Area Humanists

In a new book called "He Who Never Was", area Humanist has poured water on the flames of belief that there was ever a man called Jesus.

The book is already number one in a bookshop down the road from the hairdresser and is widely expected to be followed by another, yet untitled volume, which will prove that Martin Luther King Jr was an inflatable life raft with a face drawn on it just 'for a laugh'.

Area Humansists Call for More Churches To Be Built

In an ironic turn of events, an area Humanist group has called for more churches to be built in order to help them prove that there are too many churches and not enough free thinkers to stop them.

Asked to comment on the strange turn of events, Harne Bostock said "We need more churches from which to remove our children from the evil brain washing techniques they'd use, if they were there".

It's thought that four churches will be built in the next year, much to the delight of the humanists who are can't wait to start removing their children from superstitious practices.